Heath Pfaff is an author who lives in rural, western New York. He was born in a small town, and spent a good potion of his life growing up all over the world as part of a military family. He is married, and has two cats. He has no children because he doesn't like children, and yes, that does include your children. No, they're not different, and no he doesn't care that you're offended. In fact, he's laughing at you right now.
Because so many people have questions, here is a little FAQ to clear things up.
My FAQ
Q. What is it like to be a world famous writer?
A. It's amazing. There are huge parties, with lots of illicit drugs, and the large breasted women pile on so thick that they must be beaten off with wooden planks designed specifically for that task. At least that's how I imagine it. Not being a world famous writer, I'm not really certain.
Q. Why do you dislike children so much?
A. They're small and easily broken. They also make a lot of noise and smell funny. Perhaps worst of all, however, is their innocence and confidence in the world around them. In short, I have nothing in common with them, and therefore we do not get along well. I generally do not kill and bake them into pies. That is a considerable act of generosity on my part.
Q. That's really quite disturbing, have you sought help regarding your mental issues?
A. Sorry, but no. I'm quite happy this way.
Q. How do you come up with story ideas?
A. I write down the little delusions that occupy my mind while I should be doing more normal things like being nice to people, or talking to my friends. It's okay though, my friends don't like me . . . probably because I'm not nice and I don't talk to them.
Q. So you must be very lonely?
A. Only on the inside, outside, and most of the places in between. It's okay though, I fill the emptiness with cake.
Q. So the cake isn't a lie?
A. Tonight it is.
Q. Do people really frequently ask you these questions, or are you just making this all up to kill some time and flesh out your about me section?
A. Yes.
Q. Yes, what?
A. Yes, I'm ready for the next question.
Q. Are you avoiding that question for some reason?
A. I don't know what you're talking about. Listen, are we just about done? I have places I need to be.
Q. You're lying. You don't have anywhere else to be.
A. That's not even a question. How can you have a little Q next to your line if you don't ask a question?
Q. You're lying? You don't have anywhere else to be?
A. That's it. I'm leaving.
Q. No, wait! As a writer, who do you idolize, and why?
A. . . .
Q. Oh come on. We promise not to break the third wall anymore. Won't you answer some more questions?
A. . . .
Q. Now you're just being childish. What's your favorite color?
A. Black.
Q. **cough** emo **cough**
A. Huh?
Q. So . . . um, your idol. What writer made you decide that you wanted to get into the field?
A. I guess, early on at least, I would have to say Stephen King. I started reading his books when I was around twelve, and I spent a good portion of my early years devouring everything I could of his. Later, much later, I got into fantasy and science fiction. I decided I wanted to create a fantasy world that was darker, with characters that had motivations that were more genuine than your typical good versus evil mess.
Q. . . .
A. Hello?
Q. What? ...Oh, sorry. Were you done? You went on a little long there. I got tired.
A. You know what, screw this. We're finished.
Q. Fine by me. I'm out of here.
A. Don't come back later, either. I'm not talking to you ever again.
Q. Whatever, jerk. You can suck my...
That concludes our FAQ. Thanks for reading.
